City Fog and Brave Dialogue

Crash

2010-01-17T20:55:00.003-05:00

When it all comes crashing down around us, what's going to make it stop?

Nothing can outrank love. Not power, not money, and definitely not hate.

Your new fancy car won't hug you as it's being towed away.

Your corporate office won't hold you when you have a nightmare.

The hatred bundled up inside of your heart isn't going to keep you warm.

If you can't love, you can' live.

If you aren't living, you are nothing.

365 days ago

2010-01-01T17:32:00.002-05:00

365 days ago I told myself that something big would happen in the coming year. However, as I reconnected with an old friend the other night and found myself with little to say about "how my life has been" lately, I realized that it's not the "big" things that we notice. The little things are the things I remember. I graduated high school and began my college career in 2009. That doesn't seem like much to me. It just sort of happened, there were parties and gifts, but I feel like those are such mundane events in human life that nearly everyone sees them. It's not just reflecting on 2009, but a vast part of the "2000's" thus far.

Ditching the senior picnic, having all nighters playing dominoes in my new dorm room, getting drunk for the first time, sneaking out just to go to taco bell, kissing behind the shed so we wouldn't get caught, making cookies at sonic, puttputt golf everyday, vacations with those who mean most, my last moments with family members: these are the things I remember, relish, and want to talk about. Things that you had to be there for. Small things over the last few years of my life. My new friends, my old friends, and my future friends, I just want to say thank you for making my life what it is.

"All I want for Christmas"

2009-12-24T16:37:00.001-05:00

All I really want is to successfully focus on regaining my inner peace and for her to get better.

Please don't give up, I need you.

We're free to be free.

2009-12-09T06:12:00.000-05:00

Once again I am awake at 6:00 in the morning. I'm well past the 36 hour mark of being awake. Finals week is to blame. Oh right, no it isn't. I wish I could blame my lack of sleep on anything other than my own endless, rambling thoughts.

All I have ever wanted was someone to come right out and tell me exactly what to do. What to do with my hair. What to do with my time. What to do for school. What to do with my LIFE.

I never got that of course. I have this overpowering freedom and I feel like it is suffocating me. Too many options are out there, how can I ever explore them all? By taking opportunities I am missing out on something that might be spectacular! Opportunity cost? (Thanks economics, I never thought I'd use that word again.)

People crave for the freedom I have. So why don't I want it?

December. Really? Already?

2009-12-03T05:11:00.000-05:00

I can really say this quite honestly:

Time has gotten away from me.

Time also restricts me. I hate restrictions and limits.

I want to be free.

The last month of my life has been crazy, apparently.

I look back through photographs, text messages, and facebook statuses and everything just melts together into one big, gnarly lump of college. Interesting the way that memorable events end up being unmemorable in the end, huh?

Well yeah, I don't know if I've had writer's block or if I just didn't have anything to write about.

I miss writing. I miss home. I miss him. It's okay.

Happy finals week(s), everyone! Enjoy!

"Home Sweet Home"

2009-10-15T19:36:00.000-04:00

Where exactly is my home?

I don't know anymore.

I lived in Millington for, like, I don't know 14 years or something close to that. So, Millington's home then, right? Wrong. This is my first time back since I left, and yeah, it's only been two months, but there's something so...off about being here. Something feels weird. I don't feel like I'm at "home." On that same note though, Knoxville isn't my home either. When I'm there, sure, I'm content, I can do what I want, I see people I care about, etc. But, it's just not home. Or maybe I'm just like everyone else and will be consistently unsatisfied and always want something more for my whole life. Why is that, anyway? Why can I not just be happy, why can't anyone just be happy? Why is it human nature to always crave what we don't have and dispose of what we once wanted. Kind of a disgusting thought, but it happens. All the time.

So, this home issue that's reeling in my head is spawning other thoughts.

Where is my home going to be when I'm "grown up."

When will I become a "grown up?"

Do you grow up once you've graduated high school? College?

Once you have a "real" job? What is a real job?

What's going to happen in my life, I want to know.

I really dream of having this ideal, stable life with a nice house and a nice car.

Will that happen? Lord, who knows? I don't know.

I think for now I will continue to live the life of an unstable, unsure, college student.

I'm making huge mistakes everyday, but that's alright.

We all just need to keep telling ourselves that every thing's gonna be alright. Every little thing, it's gonna be alright.

Goodnight, it's time to sleep in my own bed again.

Oh, amazing.

"It Scares the Hell Out of Me"

2009-09-25T14:44:00.000-04:00

This video says everything I want to say today.

Amazing. Simply amazing.

"Walkin' Tall Against the Rain"

2009-09-24T23:49:00.000-04:00

I am the most ungrateful person on the planet. There are so many people who never stop trying to help me out, and I never say thank you. Or I do, but it isn't enough. I am always so caught up in my own life, I forget about those who make it better. I get so frustrated at the people bringing me down or hurting me, I ignore those that love me. I'm so sorry. I have the most spectacular people in my life. My family, my (real) friends, my puppies, my (past & present) teachers, God, and strangers that smile at me. Thank you all so much, I'm going to pull my head out of my butt now and appreciate all that you do for me. I am endlessly apologetic to you all. Without you, I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't be me. I would be lost, even though sometimes I think I am still, I know I'm not. I'm exactly where I am supposed to be right now, or else I wouldn't be here. I want to express my deepest sympathy for not being there for you when you were there for me. I am forgiving myself, and I want you to forgive me, too.

Point blank:

I love you. I wouldn't be the person I am or the person I'm growing to be without you. Thank you so much.

Spicy Tuna Roll & Diet Green Tea

2009-09-21T17:42:00.000-04:00

This is without a doubt the breakfast (well, lunch) of champs.

Just sayin'. It's delicious.

Moving on.

I've always been one of those "ugh-i-hate-all-things-Monday" kinda gals.

Today, though, has been utterly spectacular for no real reasons.

I passed a math exam, maybe that was it.

The last few weeks out here, I've had some kind of down moments.

Maybe I'm tired of just feeling down, I don't know.

But, I do know that I'm done with that.

Life is crazy and unstable, but that's the beauty of being young,

nothing is forever, and nothing is certain.

Everything changes, it's time to embrace that.

For me, anyway.

"The glass is half full."

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!

The Journey Continues- Mark Brown & Sarah Cracknell

2009-09-20T21:23:00.000-04:00

"Then the rain came down... teardrops

Then the rain came down

I hope it doesn't rain all day

I know, now you know

What we're gonna do about everything"

This song is one of my favorites.

Ironically, I love to listen to it when it rains, mainly because when it rains, I'm kind of blue.

It helps me remember that, hey, you know what? It's gonna be okay, and I know it.

You know it. We both know it.

Speaking of rain, though, word is that poor Memphis has had it for eight nonstop days, sorry ya'll.

It's been raining here, too, though. Just not as bad.

I actually kind of like walking around this place in the rain.

Have I mentioned that Knoxville is gorgeous?

I really wish that I didn't have to go so far from home for such a lovely scenery.

I mean, sure, Memphis is decent I suppose.

But to me, nothing beats the mountains in one direction, the city in the other, and grass and trees galore.

Do you agree? Or are you a city-slicker through and through?

I thought I was a while ago, but you know,

things change.

So, anyway. I digress. This is random and rambling.

But, the rain's still pouring down,

and the teardrops are gone for the night.

What are we going to do about everything?

The Distance Isn't Killing Me.

2009-09-20T00:50:00.000-04:00

I miss days and nights of nothing but photographs.

We captured every perfect moment of our lives that summer.

Restlessly, I surf back through the images on a big screen,

I don't even know those people anymore.

I don't know what happened to me, to you, to them.

We all changed, did we grow up?

Forgive me for what I did and said, I just had to get out.

Moving on, moving away, it was the best plan at the time.

Now, I just miss you.

Time zones, county lines, and area codes separate what we had.

I don't regret any of it anymore.

"Everything happens for a reason,"

you said as I drove out of my driveway.

I didn't tell you then, so I'll say it now.

Goodbye, good luck, and I love you.